آموزش زبان انگلیسی برای همه

61- Fishing Boat Sinks, Everyone Saved  
 
A 70-foot fishing boat, the Shark Catcher, sank 5 miles from shore today in the Pacific at about 4:30 p.m. The boat was returning from a successful one-day trip. There were 17 anglers aboard and 4 crew members. There were also about 100 freshly caught tuna, salmon, and mackerel aboard. Some of them may have also survived the sinking.
Luckily, the Shark Catcher started sinking when it was only a quarter mile from another fishing boat, the TunaTaker, which was also returning from a day trip. The two captains, Moe and Curly, had been talking to each other over the radio while headed back to their landing in Santa Barbara. They were comparing notes: who had caught what, how much, and where.
During their conversation, Moe heard what sounded like an explosion. He told Curly to hold on a minute. Moe’s crew discovered a hole in the hull that was too big for plugs or pumps. Moe told Curly he needed his help. Moe then told all the passengers to don their lifejackets and abandon the boat.
“This is the second boat that I've lost,” said Moe. “The good thing, of course, is that I’ve never lost any paying customers.”
Curly, captain of the rescue boat, said, “We were lucky that it was a clear, calm day. We pulled a lot of people out of the water, but it went very smoothly. I think the Coast Guard will be proud of us.”
 
 
 
62- English Is Confusing  
 
“Good evening, everybody!” said the teacher, Donna. “Where is everybody?” That was sort of a daily joke by Donna. Usually the class started with only two or three students present, and then filled up as the minutes went by. It was summertime. Summer school was only eight weeks long. Class attendance was always smaller than during fall and spring semesters.
“I don’t know, teacher. Maybe they late or no come,” said one student. “Maybe watching TV football tonight.”
“Is there a soccer game tonight? It seems like there’s a soccer game every night. Oh, well. Let’s get started, okay? We’re on page 36 in the workbook. Tonight we’re studying participles as adjectives. Students are always confused when they learn about the present and past participles, so we will practice this a lot. Tonight, we’re just going to practice the present participle.
“The present participle tells us what emotion or feeling the subject is causing. For example, ‘Grammar is boring’ means that the subject—grammar—causes an emotion of boredom. If we say, ‘The movie is interesting,’ we are saying that the movie causes a feeling of interest. If we say, ‘The roller coaster is exciting,’ we are saying that the roller coaster causes a feeling of excitement. Any questions so far? Am I confusing you? Is everyone confused?”
The classroom was quiet. Donna looked at blank faces. They were confused. She knew this would take a while. But eventually, the faster students would grasp it, and then they would help the slower students. By the end of the evening, most of the class would feel comfortable using the present participle.
Donna erased the board and put some new examples on it. She loved guiding her students through difficult topics like this one. She always felt a little bit thrilled when the look of understanding came to their faces.
 
 
 
 
63- Eggs and a Bunny
 
Easter Sunday was a cloudy but festive day in Memorial Park for about 100 kids from local orphanages. An Easter egg hunt started at 10 a.m. when a fire engine blasted its horn. Boys and girls, ranging in age from 2 to 6, dashed throughout the park, yelling and screaming, walking and running, and quite often, falling down. One little girl, Amanda, found her first egg less than a minute after the horn blew. Instead of putting it into her basket and continuing to search for more, she sat down. Then she spent the next 10 minutes examining it, unwrapping it, and eating it piece by piece. When she finished, she put the wrapper into her basket, wiped her hands on her white dress, and went to hunt for another egg.
Meanwhile Jeff, one of the older boys, filled his basket to overflowing. He asked one of the firemen to hold it for him, and then took off running for more candy eggs. As soon as he found some, he put them into the basket of the child closest to him. Two little toddlers both saw a candy egg at the same time, and they both bent over to pick it up. They banged heads, and both of them sat down bawling. A couple of volunteer nurses picked them up and told them that everything was going to be all right.
By 11 a.m., the search was over. Most of the kids were  studying their candy, exchanging it with others, or eating it. But then the fire engine horn blasted again, causing three-year-old Jenny to cry.   A fireman on a bullhorn told everyone to gather around, because a special guest had arrived.
Once everyone was settled, the Easter Bunny climbed down out of the fire engine. The bunny was 6’6” tall. Most of the kids cheered and ran toward him. Even Jenny stopped crying for a moment. She stared at the bunny and at all the kids running toward the bunny; then she started crying even harder. The Easter Bunny hugged the kids, and they hugged him. Then the Easter Bunny sat on a fire engine step, and one by one  the kids came up, sat on his lap, and got their pictures taken. After that, the older kids were allowed to explore the fire engine itself.
The festivities ended about 3 p.m., when the orphans climbed into the buses for the return trip home. Most of them  said they had a fun time. Six-year-old Sara asked, “Can we do this every Sunday?” And more than one boy asked, “Can I drive the fire engine next time?”
 
 
 
 
 
64- Eat Your Vegetables  
 
The federal government, displaying even less sense than usual, has yielded to the French fry industry. Frozen French fries—sliced, fried in oil, and then packaged—are now approved as “fresh vegetables” by the US Department of Agriculture.
The French fry industry has been petitioning the USDA for years to get this approval. They say that their product is similar to cucumbers that have a wax coating. They argue that they use 100 percent vegetable oil, which is much healthier for consumers than plain wax.
Most consumers, of course, beg to differ. “You must be joking,” said Annie, 50. “How can you consider a product that’s deep-fried in oil to be a fresh vegetable? Even if I steamed broccoli, I could no longer call it fresh broccoli—it’s cooked! I wish I were a lobbyist, so my congressman would help me. Unfortunately, I’m only a tax-paying citizen.”
The USDA defends its decision, saying that potatoes undeniably are vegetables. Although French fries are fried in oil, they are still potatoes. If you let them sit on your countertop for a couple of weeks, a USDA spokesman said, the fries will rot just like all other fresh vegetables.
Consumer advocates say the USDA has totally lost touch with the consumers. “They'd probably declare that eggshells are nutritious if a lobbyist asked them to,” said one advocate.
 
 
 
65- Driver Loses Mabel, Finds Jail 
 
A fifteen-year-old boy was injured in a car accident when the minivan he was traveling in was hit by a pickup truck at an intersection. The boy was taken to a nearby hospital. The paramedics said that it appeared that the boy had nothing more serious than a broken left leg, but that internal injuries were always a possibility. The boy was conscious and alert. His mother, who was driving, was uninjured. She said that the truck appeared out of nowhere, and she thought she was going to die. She turned the steering wheel sharply to the left, and the truck hit her minivan on the passenger side.
The driver of the truck was a 50-year-old man who was unemployed and apparently had been drinking—police found 18 empty beer cans inside the truck. The man denied drinking, but he failed the police test for sobriety. When asked to touch his nose with his arms outstretched and eyes closed, he was unable to touch any part of his head.
The handcuffed man asked the police if they knew where “Mabel” was as he was put into the back seat of the police vehicle. The police asked him if Mabel was his wife. He said, “She’s my dog, my dog! Where’s my baby?” A dog with a collar, but no identification, was found minutes later, half a block away. The man was taken to the city jail and booked on suspicion of driving while intoxicated and on causing an accident.
 
 
 
 
66- Don’t Go Swimming on an Empty Stomach  
 
Pete had lived in Florida for 20 years. A boring 20 years, he often thought. His house was only a 10-minute walk from the Gulf. He walked to the sandy white beach almost every day. Bob’s Liquors was at the corner, halfway to the beach. It was the only store within a mile. It sold cold beer and cigarettes, which were the only two things that interested Pete today. The owner of Bob’s was Bill. Bill had bought the store from Bob, but never renamed the store. “'Bob’s' has a nice ring to it,” he told curious customers. Also, of course, keeping the old name saved him money, time, and trouble.
When the water was unsafe, the lifeguards would put red flags all up and down the beach to warn swimmers to stay out of the water. Today was a red flag day. Fierce riptides and lots of jellyfish were predicted for the next 48 hours.
Although windy and completely overcast, it was a warm September day. Pete stopped at Bob’s. Bill said hello and told Pete to be careful because of the riptide reports. He asked, “What’ll it be today, Pete?”
Pete ordered the usual—a pack of cigarettes and beer. Bill put the six-pack into a double paper bag because that helped keep the beer cold longer. Pete paid him and said goodbye. He walked out the door and crossed the two-lane street, not bothering to look in either direction.
The flags were flapping loudly. Small waves were splashing onto the beach. Sea gulls were walking at water’s edge. Low thunder rumbled occasionally in the distance. An irregular line showed where wet sand met dry sand. Pete sat down on the dry sand. He opened a can of beer and lit a cigarette. There was no one else at the beach, except a woman walking away from him, stopping frequently to examine seashells. Pete watched a pelican dive into the water. Far away on the horizon, a stationary ship floated.
Pete was a strong swimmer. He had learned to swim when he was four years old. In grade school and high school, he won numerous swimming and diving tournaments. His parents had high hopes that he would compete in the Olympics.
Pete opened the fifth beer and lit yet another cigarette. The woman collecting seashells had disappeared from sight. He got up and walked into the water. When the water was almost thigh-high, he felt the current tugging at him. A jellyfish stung him behind his right knee. He took a final drag on his cigarette and flicked it into the water. He finished the beer, filled the empty can with sea water, and threw it back onto the beach. He looked at the ship.
Then he dove in and started swimming.
 
 
 
67- Crazy Housing Prices
 
Homebuyers nationwide are watching housing prices go up, up, and up. “How high can they go?” is the question on everyone’s lips. “As long as interest rates stay around 5 percent, there’s no telling,” remarked one realtor in Santa Monica, California.
“It’s crazy,” said Tim, who is looking for a house near the beach. “In 1993, I bought my first place, a two-bedroom condominium in Venice, for $70,000. My friends thought then that I was overpaying. Five years later, I had to move. I sold it for $230,000, which was a nice profit. Last year, while visiting friends here, I saw in the local paper that the exact same condo was for sale for $510,000!”
It is a seller’s market. Homebuyers feel like they have to offer at least 10 percent more than the asking price. Donna, a new owner of a one-bedroom condo in Venice Beach, said, “That’s what I did. I told the owner that whatever anyone offers you, I’ll give you $20,000 more, under the table, so you don’t have to pay your realtor any of it. I was tired of looking.”
Tim says he hopes he doesn’t get that desperate. “Whether you decide to buy or decide not to buy, you still feel like you made the wrong decision. If you buy, you feel like you overpaid. If you don’t buy, you want to kick yourself for passing up a great opportunity.”
Everyone says the bubble has to burst sometime, but everyone hopes it will burst the day after they sell their house. Even government officials have no idea what the future will bring. “All we can say is that, inevitably, these things go in cycles,” said the state director of housing. “What goes up must come down. But, as we all know, housing prices always stay up a little higher than they go down. So you can’t lose over the long run. Twenty years down the road, your house is always worth more than you paid for it.”
 
 
 
 
68- Collecting Seashells at the Seashore  
 
Maria and Lisa were best friends. They shared a two-bedroom apartment in Hollywood. Maria was a clerk at a clothing store, and Lisa was a clerk at a supermarket. Their hours varied, so they didn’t get to spend a whole lot of time together. But last weekend both were off work. “Let’s go to the beach,” suggested Maria.
“That’s a good idea,” agreed Lisa. “Which one?”
“Well, I would prefer an uncrowded beach, because I think I’ve put on a few pounds recently. I don’t want any boys seeing my fat.”
“Oh, please,” said Lisa. “You eat so little. Ounces don’t turn into pounds. How about Zuma Beach? That’s pretty far north of Santa Monica Beach, so it’s just right—not too crowded and not too empty.”
“That sounds good,” said Maria.
The drive to the beach took more than an hour. When they got there, the hot and sunny Hollywood weather had become cool, windy, and overcast beach weather. Both of them had been to the beach many times before, so they were not surprised by the change in weather. They put on their jackets, shoes, and socks, and headed north to hunt for seashells.
Within an hour they had collected about 20 beautiful shells into a plastic bag. They were still walking slowly north when they heard a roar. They turned around to see a four-wheel All Terrain Vehicle coming rapidly toward them. The driver braked at the last moment. Sand flew onto the two girls. They both screamed.
The driver was wearing a jacket that said Beach Patrol. He got off the ATV and started yelling at them. “What are you two doing here? Can’t you read? The signs say Private Property. They say No Trespassing. Get out of here before I write you a ticket and have you arrested.”
“What’s your name?” Maria stood defiantly. “I’m going to report you to the police. You’re not a real patrol officer. This is a public beach. Those signs are phony signs put up by homeowners who think they own the beach.”
“My name is John Smith. Report me to whoever you want. Now get out of here or you’ll be sorry.”
“You can’t make us leave. This is a public beach!” yelled Maria.
The man got back onto his ATV and started driving in circles around the women. The ATV was spraying sand and water all over them. He was laughing. They started running back south. When the ATV driver saw that they were leaving, he drove off.
“John Smith. A phony name to go with a phony uniform,” said Maria when they slowed down to a walk. “We’re going to the police station and make a complaint. I hope they put him in jail.”
A few minutes later, Lisa asked, “Where are the shells?”
“Oh, gee, in all the excitement I left them back there. I’m sorry.”
“No problem,” replied Lisa. “There’s plenty of seashells in the sea.”
“Yeah, just like there’s plenty of jerks on the shore.”
 
 
 
 
69- Cloning Pets 
 
A company in Phoenix, Arizona, says that it can now clone your cat. “Actually,” said Felix Lee, President of Twice Is Nice, Inc., “you don’t even have to wait until your beloved cat dies. We already have clients whose clone lives with its donor.”
The price is steep. A clone of your cat will cost $50,000. First, your veterinarian must do a biopsy of your cat. This is sent to TwIN, Inc., where it is cultured to grow fresh new cells. These new cells are stored in liquid nitrogen until you notify TwIN, Inc., that you are ready for the clone. At this time, you pay half the amount ($25,000). A cultured cell is implanted into a female cat that is in estrus, and if all goes well, a kitten is born about 60 days later. The new kitten is weaned in about eight weeks. TwIN, Inc. delivers the kitten to you after it receives the remaining $25,000.
“We are a growing company,” said Lee. “Our facility can handle about a dozen births a year now, but our goal is to produce about 50 kittens and 50 puppies a year.” The company is currently experimenting with stray dogs. Some canine clones seem to be perfect, but some have been bizarre. Nevertheless, Lee believes that they will be successfully cloning dogs in about a year.
 
 
 
70- City Welcomes New Store and Its Owners 
 
The city of Armada opened its arms to a new business on Huntington Drive at First Street. The store, called Turtle Dove, is a pet shop specializing in two kinds of animals. The owners are two brothers, Bill and Bob Pidgin. They moved here from the northern California town of Santa Rosa, where they owned an ant farm store called Antimal House. That store was such a success that after five years they sold it for a big profit.
They took it easy for a couple of years, traveling throughout the states. “We visited almost every zoo in the country, partly because we love animals and partly because we were looking for inspiration for our next business,” said Bill. They finally decided on turtles and doves. “They’re easy to feed and care for, and both animals live a long time,” said Bob.
The store will be open from 9:00 a.m. to 9:00 p.m. Wednesdays through Saturdays. “We think those are hours that our customers will find very convenient. Plus, the three days off gives us a chance to go into the woods and find more critters. We never buy our animals; we always try to collect them from the wild. That way we can pass on huge savings to our customers. And, of course, by removing these animals from their natural habitat, we protect them from being devoured by their natural enemies. So our customers are happy, our animals are happy, and we’re happy. It’s a win-win for all of us.”
 
 
 
71- City Hosts 42nd Art Fair 
 
The Fernwood Library sponsored Fernwood’s 42nd Art Fair this weekend. The three-day event was held, as usual, at Memorial Park. Almost 100 artists showed up each day. More than 1,000 locals and visitors strolled through the shady park daily, as temperatures remained in the comfortable 70s all weekend.
All kinds of art were on display and for sale. Prices ranged from a couple of dollars to a couple of thousand dollars. Oscar, a native of Peru, was selling his beautiful paintings of the mountain village of Ayacucho, where he lives most of the year. “Every year I come to the United States to sell my paintings at about five different art shows. Then I return to my country. That is where I do all my paintings, in our beautiful mountains.”
Peter is a photographer. He travels throughout the southwest US. One of his favorite areas is northeast Arizona. “That’s where Spider Rock is,” he said, pointing to a beautiful color photograph of a towering sandstone spire about 800 feet high. This rock, according to Navajo Indian lore, was the home of Spider Woman, a goddess revered by the tribe.
A Navajo woman was selling her own rug weavings at the fair. She was busy creating a rug while visitors watched. When asked how long it took, she replied that her creations usually took months. She said that Navajo tradition was to always weave a slight flaw into an article so as not to offend Spider Woman, because only Spider Woman could create a perfect weave.
The exhibit areas were located throughout the park. Artists’ creations included jewelry, ceramics, bird houses, gourd art, furniture, pottery, handmade musical instruments, music CDs, and sculpture. Almost all the artists had their work displayed beneath shady canopies.
“This was another successful year for our art fair,” said the head librarian. “The artists sold enough of their work to encourage them to return next year, and the library raised almost $700 from sales of various items. We’ll use this money to purchase a few more tables and chairs.”
 
 
 
 
72- City and Crime 
 
Crime in the city of Clio hit a 30-year low last year. "This is absolutely wonderful for our citizens, our businesses, and our visitors," said Police Chief Louis Gates. Clio has a population of 28,000, but it has at least 30 gangs. The gangs make most of their money from dealing drugs and offering “protection.” They also commit violent crimes, such as murder, battery, and rape.
There were 1,486 thefts last year. Most of the thefts involved cars. Thieves also robbed the people at gunpoint or pickpocketed them. They broke into houses and businesses at the alarming rate of two a day two years ago, but that rate was down to only one a day last year. "That's a 50-percent decrease in one year," beamed Gates. "I think the officers deserve a big pat on the back. Even better, maybe they’ll get that 10-percent raise that they are all hoping for next fiscal year."
Citing an example of how the police force has helped reduce crime, Gates talked about bicycle thefts. "For years and years, kids were locking up their bikes at bike stands in front of schools, libraries, and malls. About 10 percent of the time, the kids would come out of the school or wherever and discover that their bike was no longer there. Someone had cut the lock and stolen their bike. We wracked our brains trying to find a solution to this problem. Finally, at the beginning of last year, we hit upon it. We simply removed most of the bike stands. Then the bicycle theft rate came down quickly.”
Most cities in the state have similar problems. They all involve too many people, too much crime, too few police, and too little funding. These problems are part and parcel of civilization everywhere. They might diminish, but they will probably never disappear. All people can do is hope for the best and prepare for the worst.
 
 
 
 
73- Check Your Bags at the Store Entrance
 
Adrian’s favorite store was the $1 Store. This store had everything, from fresh produce to birthday cards to gasoline additives. Everything was one dollar. Usually, he got very good deals; occasionally, he got ripped off.
A few days ago, Adrian bought six packages of ink for his printer. Then he found a deal on better ink at the local computer store. So Adrian went back to the $1 Store to exchange the ink for some other items.
He put the ink into a plastic bag and tied it up. When he entered the store, he immediately showed the bag to a clerk and told her that he was returning some items. She looked at him but said nothing. There were about ten people in her line. She was obviously very busy. Not knowing exactly what to do, Adrian put the bag into a push-cart and started shopping.
He was midway through shopping when a female employee suddenly stopped him. “Sir,” she said sternly, “you are not allowed to carry a plastic bag of items around in this store. What’s in this bag? Show me what’s in the bag!”
Adrian was taken aback. There was no need for her to yell. He opened the bag and showed her the six packages of ink. “I’m returning these to exchange for some other items,” Adrian said.
“You should have left the bag with the clerk when you entered this store. Let me see your receipt!” the employee demanded.
Adrian was embarrassed. He felt like a shoplifter. He looked around to see if anyone was paying attention. He showed her the receipt.
“Perhaps in the future you’ll learn how to follow store policy. Leave this bag here with the clerk. You can have your receipt and bag back when you check out.”
By the time Adrian had finished shopping and exchanged the items, he was angry. How dare she treat him like a criminal? He went looking for her. He wanted an apology. He found her in the produce section and asked what her name was. She mumbled something. He asked her again, and this time he heard “Ursula.”
“Ursula what?” he asked. She yelled at him, “Ursula!” and stormed away.
When Adrian got home, he called the store’s corporate headquarters. This rude employee was about to lose her job, he said to himself. He described his unpleasant experience to a customer service representative. She was sympathetic. “Our employees are taught to be polite. We will not tolerate such behavior. Give me your phone number and I will call you back.”
Two days later, Adrian received a phone call from the representative. “I’m sorry,” she said, “but there’s no one at that store named Ursula. Can you describe her? I’ll find out who she is. I assure you, we do not tolerate rude behavior, nor do we tolerate lying to customers.”
By this time, Adrian had calmed down. He didn’t really want the employee to lose her job. He told the representative to forget about it.
 
 
 
74- Cameras in Police Cars 
 
The Rockford police chief and some city officials want to install video cameras in all 100 police cars. They think this will reduce the number of lawsuits filed against the city. In the last five years, Rockford has paid out more than five million dollars to settle about 40 lawsuits.
The chief said, “If cameras had been in those cars, we wouldn’t have had to pay one dime. We’re always pulling over drunks or drug users who try to fight the cops or shoot them. Then they always claim that the police started beating them first or started shooting at them first. What hogwash!”
The cost of installing cameras will be about $500 per vehicle. The city council will vote on the proposal next Monday. Ten of the 13 council members, when asked about the proposal, said that they liked the idea. One member said that it makes good fiscal sense and common sense. If the cameras are approved, they can be installed in all the cars within six weeks.
The police officers enthusiastically support camera use. One officer said that too many people think the police are liars; cameras would show citizens that police tell the truth. “The money that we’ve been spending on lawsuits will be better spent on more cameras,” said one officer.
Citizen reaction to the idea of police car cameras is mixed. One person said that the police should have started doing this years ago when video cameras were invented. But an elderly man said that cameras were an invasion of privacy. “These police are trying to stick their nose into everything,” he said. He was going to attend the council meeting to condemn the proposal. He hoped that other citizens would join him.
 
 
 
 
75- Brother, Can You Spare a Carburetor?
 
Daniel needed a new carburetor for his car. Well, not a new one. A new one would cost at least $250. Even a rebuilt one would cost about $110. The cheapest thing to do was to go to a salvage yard.
California has about 50 salvage yards. Most of them are in southern California. The yards range in size from 10 acres to 70 acres, holding anywhere from 300 to 3,000 abandoned, wrecked, or cheaply sold cars. The yards are usually located outside of downtown but near a freeway ramp.
A salvage yard might pay you up to $200 to take your rundown car off your hands. Before they place it in the yard, however, they will remove all its liquids—oil, gas, coolant, brake fluid, transmission fluid, power steering fluid, and windshield washer solvent. Vehicles usually sit in the yard for only a month before they are crushed, stacked, and then transported to a recycler.
Vehicle parts are inexpensive, but you have to remove them yourself. The carburetor that Daniel needed was only $20. Nothing in the yard, however, comes with a guarantee. If it doesn’t work or fit, you can replace it with a similar item, but you won’t get your money back.
Daniel borrowed his brother’s car. After paying the $3 entry fee to the man in the little wooden shack, Daniel walked into the yard. He walked about five minutes before he found the foreign car section. It looked like there were at least 200 cars. It was sunny and hot. There was no shade anywhere in the yard. Carrying his toolbox, Daniel went searching for a matching carburetor.
Almost three hours later, Daniel was back at the shack. He bought himself a cold soda from a machine. A few minutes later, he paid the $20 plus tax and walked out of the yard. Driving home, he wondered if all the work was worth the savings. If the carburetor didn’t work, he’d have to do this all over again.
When he got home, his brother Monty was standing next to Daniel’s car. Monty had a big smile on his face. “Hey, guess what? It wasn’t your carburetor. It was the fuel filter. I changed it, and your car runs great now.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
76- Boy Drowns in Neighbor's Pool  
 
Hunter Smith, 5, drowned in a swimming pool after apparently wandering away from two teenagers, one of whom was his babysitter. Paramedics and hospital staff members spent several hours trying to revive Hunter. Police pulled the unconscious boy from the cold water of the neighbor’s pool about 3:20 p.m. Wednesday.
The babysitter was 16. The other teen was her boyfriend, 17. The boy’s parents had no comment about their son’s unfortunate death.
Police questioned both teens separately as to how the accident occurred. Their stories did not match. The girl said Hunter disappeared while she was using the bathroom. The boy said Hunter disappeared while he was using the bathroom. After further questioning and some searching around the house, the police determined that the boy disappeared while both teens were using the bedroom.
“They had actually put him in the bedroom closet, but were so busy with each other that they never saw or heard the boy leave the closet and the house,” an officer said. Charges might be filed against the teens for involuntary manslaughter and against the neighbor for leaving the gate to the pool unlocked.
 
 
 
 
77- Books Don’t Grow on Trees
 
A local community college professor decided to fight back. “The price of books for our students is just getting higher and higher and, combined with the rising cost of tuition, it’s killing these kids,” said Peter Jason, Ph.D. “Remember, students are one of the poorest groups of people in America. Almost half of them have at least one part-time job. In fact, one of my students has three jobs. She is a part-time sales clerk at a clothing store three days a week, then works three evenings a week as a pizza cook, and on weekends she does manicures at a beauty salon. And she still manages to have a high GPA and go to school full-time.”
Textbook prices are traditionally high. Adding to that problem, many college instructors change textbooks year after year; they either upgrade to a new edition or switch to an entirely different textbook. This further hurts students because if an instructor no longer uses a particular textbook, that book has no resale value.
Dr. Jason decided to make life a little easier and a lot cheaper for his students by writing his own book on public speaking. “Many books have an increased price because of bells and whistles: CD-ROMs, lots of color photographs, and lots of graphics. I talked to my students, and many of them, like me, prefer to keep things simple. So, during a sabbatical a few years ago, I wrote my own textbook. I made sure that it wasn’t long-winded. I called it Successful Public Speaking: How To Be Brief, Concise, and to the Point.
“Compared to most other public speaking primers, mine is half the number of pages, and one-third the price. That is, $30 instead of $90. Plus, it is published in a three-ring binder format. So, when I wrote a second edition last year, students only had to buy the 35 new pages and delete 35 of the original pages. For only $7.00, they had upgraded to the new edition. I’ve had great feedback from my students about this loose-leaf concept. Maybe the word will get out, and more writers and publishers will try it.”
 
 
 
 
 
78- Book Him 
 
A man accused of failing to return more than 700 children’s books to five different libraries in the county was released from jail yesterday after a book publisher agreed to post his bond of $1,000. The publisher said, “There’s a story here. This is a man who loves books. He just can’t let go of them. He hasn’t stolen a single book. So what’s the crime? We think that Mr. Barush has a story to tell. We plan to publish his story.”
When asked why he didn’t return the books, Mr. Barush said, “Well, how could I? They became family to me. I was afraid to return them, because I knew that kids or dogs would get hold of these books and chew them up, throw them around, rip the pages, spill soda on them, get jam and jelly on them, and drown them in the toilet.”
He continued, “Books are people, too! They talk to you, they take care of you, and they enrich you with wisdom and humor and love. A book is my guest in my home. How could I kick it out? I repaired torn pages. I dusted them with a soft clean cloth. I turned their pages so they could breathe and get some fresh air.
“Every week I reorganized them on their shelves so they could meet new friends. My books were HAPPY books. You could tell just by looking at them. Now they’re all back in the library, on the lower shelves, on the floors, at the mercy of all those runny-nosed kids. I can hear them calling me! I need to rescue them. Excuse me. I have to go now.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
79- Blood Drive at Civic Center
 
 The local university blood center had a blood drive today at the Civic Center auditorium. Almost 300 people showed up, but about 50 were turned away for various medical reasons. Fifty others left because the lines were moving so slowly. The event concluded at 6 p.m., three hours after the scheduled close. It was a long day for everyone—administrators, nurses, and donors. But there were plenty of chairs and tables, and many people brought their own books, magazines, or newspapers.
The first thing the donors had to do, of course, was fill out the donor registration and screening form. When they finished filling out the form, they waited until a nurse called them to her desk. The average adult body contains 8 to 12 pints of blood. Donors can give one pint at a time. It takes your body 2 to 4 weeks to replace this amount. Most donors filled up the pint bag within 5 to 10 minutes.
Before leaving, the donors received a sheet of instructions including: Do not lift any heavy objects for 12 hours. Leave your pressure bandage on for 2-3 hours. Do not smoke for at least 30 minutes. Avoid alcohol for the rest of the day. Do not do any strenuous activity for 24 hours.
"I wish I could hug and kiss all the volunteers that are here today," said Martha, the blood center donor recruiter. "Many donors underestimate the importance of what they're doing. They think it is no big deal, but it is a big deal. Their blood is actually saving lives, helping other people to live. We cannot thank them enough for that, nor can the recipients.”
 
 
 
 
 
80- Better To Be Unlucky 
 
Sam, an unemployed piano tuner, said it was only the second thing he had ever won in his life. The first thing was an Afghan blanket at a church raffle when he was 25 years old. But this was much bigger: it was $120,000! He had won the Big Cube, a state lottery game. To win, a contestant must first guess which number a spinning cube will stop on. The cube has six numbers on it: 1X, 10X, 50X, 100X, 500X, and 1000X. If he is correct, the contestant must then guess which of two selected variables is going to be greater. So, just guessing which number appears on the cube does not guarantee that you will win any money.
Sam correctly guessed 1000X, but he still had to choose between two variables. One variable was the number of cars that would run the stop sign at Hill Street and Lake Avenue in six hours. The other variable was the number of times that a teenage boy would change TV channels in a three-hour period. This was a tough decision.
Finally, Sam flipped a coin. It came up heads, so Sam picked the teenager. He picked right. The stop sign was run only 76 times, but the teen clicked 120 times. Sixty-year-old Sam jumped for joy, for he had just won 1000 times 120, or $120,000. Sam dreamily left the lottery studio. Talking excitedly on his cell phone while crossing the street, he got hit by a little sports car.
Sam is slowly getting better. He was in the hospital for a month. His hospital bill was $110,000. And the insurance company for the little sports car’s owner sued Sam for $9,000 worth of repairs. Also, Sam still has to pay federal taxes on his winnings. Sam doesn’t play the state lottery any more. He says it’s better to be unlucky.
 
 
 
 
 
81- Bathtub Blues 
 
A middle-aged man with a long beard was arrested by the police for disorderly conduct and property damage. “More charges might be added later,” said a police officer.
The man, identified as Bill Wild, checked into the Motel Five last night about an hour after sunset. Telling the clerk that he would be staying four nights, he paid cash in advance. He then asked her where a grocery store was. She said that the nearest grocery store was John-Johns, which was only two blocks away.
The police said that Wild went to John-Johns and purchased three gallons of honey and four gallons of chocolate syrup. The checker asked him what the occasion was. He replied, “I’m trying to become a sweeter person.” The checker smiled at the joke.
Wild drove back to the motel. He opened all seven containers and poured them into the bathtub. He added warm water to the mix. Then he placed his boom box on the bathroom floor next to the tub. He tuned the radio to an opera station. He got undressed, hopped into the tub, and started singing loudly with the music.
Fifteen minutes later, the lodgers in the room next door phoned the clerk. She banged on Wild’s door, but he kept singing. She phoned his room, but he didn’t answer. Then she called the police, who arrived quickly.
“Well, at least he paid in advance,” said the clerk. “That money will help pay for the plumber.” The bathtub drain was completely clogged. The tub remained full of chocolate and honey.
“You just never know about people,” said the clerk. “He seemed so nice and friendly. Who’d have thought he was a bathtub-singing nut?” The police said this was the third time that Wild had been arrested for this kind of behavior.
 
 
 
 
82- Bank Robbery 
 
It was 80 degrees in the shade. A man wearing a heavy army jacket, a pullover wool cap, and dark sunglasses walked into the First American Bank at the corner of Maple and Main streets in downtown Short Beach.
The man walked up to the teller and held up a hand grenade for all to see. He said, “Give me all your money, all the money in this bank, right now!”
Everyone in the lobby screamed and started running, even the security guard. Nervously, the young female teller handed the man three big bags loaded with cash. He walked out the door. A second later, one of the money bags exploded, covering him with red dye. He yelled in pain and surprise, and started pacing around in circles because he couldn't see where he was going.
He couldn’t see, but he could hear. He heard the police siren get closer. Then he heard the police tell him to get down on his stomach on the sidewalk and put his hands behind his back. They handcuffed him and placed him in the back of the police car.
Seeing the hand grenade on the sidewalk, the police told everyone to get back. They sealed off the whole block and called the bomb squad. The bomb squad came and examined the hand grenade. Then they laughed. They told the police it was a fake. The hand grenade was actually a harmless dummy, something a 12-year-old might play with.
The police chuckled. The bank employees returned to work. The bank customers returned to their lines. The bank robber, hopefully, would never return.
 
 
 
 
83- Are Criminals Taking Over LA?
 
A 29-year-old woman was driving her car in the wrong place at the wrong time. She was fatally wounded by a couple of stray bullets. The bullets were intended for a 20-year-old man, who was seriously wounded by two other bullets.
The shootings occurred an hour before sunset, a mile west of downtown Los Angeles. Two gang members attempted to rob the 20-year-old man. The victim punched one of his attackers, knocking him down, and then took off running. As he ran, the gangsters fired several times and struck him in the back.
They also put a couple of errant shots into the head of the woman driver. Mortally wounded, she crashed through the big glass window of a salon, coming to a stop at the hair-washing sinks.
Fortunately, the salon was closed because its owner was at a family funeral. His nephew had been stabbed to death by a gang member a week earlier. The gang member, who was robbing the nephew, got angry when all he found in the nephew’s wallet was a dollar, an ID card, and a library card.
“A library card!” the gang member said angrily. “You think you're smarter than me? If you're so smart, why are you getting robbed?” He then stabbed the victim multiple times, ripped up the library card, spit on it, and ran away.
“This city’s getting ridiculous,” said a local neighborhood watch member. “Criminals are killing people almost every day. They laugh at us. They know that, even if convicted, they will get free housing, free meals, and free medical care. And they get to sit around in jail all day reading magazines! That’s punishment? It sounds more like a reward! What do the rest of us get for being HONEST? We get to work hard all day so we can die tired and poor.”
 
 
 
 
 
84- Agencies Get Millions for Homeless
 
 The Federal Department of Housing and Urban Development has awarded $5 million to three different local nonprofit organizations. The money will be distributed over a four-year period and is aimed at helping approximately 1,000 homeless people in the county of Arvada.
One agency, with headquarters in Woodbridge, is slated to receive $1.5 million. The agency director says that they will focus their resources on educating the homeless. “We will probably build another school-home with this money,” he said. “A school-home is exactly what it sounds like. It is a school and a home. We have already built four school-homes throughout the county. We get the homeless off the street, and we educate them so they don't have to return to the street. We teach them how to be auto mechanics, plumbers, landscapers, painters, carpenters, bricklayers, electricians, and air-conditioning repairmen.
“You wouldn't believe the success that we have had. In fact, a couple of weeks ago, our office air-conditioning went out. My secretary called a repairman. The repairman was one of our first homeless students. He now owns his own air-conditioning business, plus two houses, two cars and a boat! He has a dozen employees. Holy cow! He's doing better than I am. He fixed our air-conditioning for free. I think I might sign up for the air-conditioning class myself.”
 
 
 
85- A School Girl Sues Her School 
 
A straight-A student got a C in cooking class and didn't like it. She didn't like it so much that her dad filed a complaint in federal court about it. He alleges that the teacher, who is white, discriminated against his daughter, who is black. He seeks to have her grade changed from a C to an A and asks for unspecified financial damages.
Virginia Brown is in the ninth grade at Ashley High School. Since her first year in school, she has had perfect attendance and all her grades have been A's. Virginia's father said her heart was broken when she got the C.
"She cried the whole weekend," he said. "She wouldn't come out of her room. Her eyes were red and puffy. My little girl hasn’t been this upset since her cat got run over by a car when she was 6 years old."
Virginia is a model student. She's the class president. She's on the swim team, the volleyball team, and the track team. She belongs to the chess club. She is a member of the Girl Scouts and sings in her church choir.
The home economics teacher is 28-year-old Jessica Smith. This is her first year teaching. Ms. Smith said that discrimination was absolutely not the issue. “Some of my best friends are African-Americans," she said. “This isn’t a black and white problem. Everybody in America wants to sue everybody else. I’m going to sue them for defamation of character and whatever else my lawyer comes up with.”
The school principal, who grew up in India, said that he supported Ms. Smith 100 percent. He said that Virginia is an excellent student who would have no problem getting into the best universities even with a C in cooking. “She won’t have any difficulty finding a great university, but she might have problems finding a husband,” he laughed. “She’d better look for a man who likes to eat out a lot.”
 
 
 
 
86- A Murder-Suicide
 
A man and a woman died in an apparent murder-suicide last night in Altadena. The man was 74-year-old Dominic Vittorio. The woman was his 70-year-old wife, Victoria. The couple had been married for 50 years. In fact, their 50th anniversary occurred just a month ago, according to their next-door neighbor, Mrs. Allen. The couple was childless and had no close friends. Mr. Vittorio was a retired carpenter who had emphysema and was blind in one eye because of a cataract. His wife was a diabetic who had already had one foot amputated because of complications from the disease. Her eyesight was almost completely gone.
“They were such a nice couple,” said Mrs. Allen. “I’ve lived next to them for the last 20 years or so. I’m widowed, and Dom always used to help me with things like changing light bulbs and fixing appliances. They had no kids, but they were always friendly to the neighborhood kids. Every Halloween they handed out tons of candy and fresh fruit. But about eight years ago Vicky came down with diabetes, and things just haven’t been the same for her or Dom. They used to be so friendly and full of life, and then they just seemed to get quieter and quieter.
“She used to come over to my place once or twice a week, and we would talk about all kinds of things and have the nicest time. But that happened less and less as she got sicker. So I would go over to her house about once a week and we would talk. But the conversations steadily got shorter, and she seemed to lose interest in listening and in talking. She didn’t say it, but you could tell she was in a lot of pain.”
Mrs. Allen said she hadn’t even talked to either of the Vittorios in almost a year. They never came out. Even food was delivered to them by a local agency. She said she heard two gunshots last night—“It scared me half to death!” She immediately called the police. “Such a sad ending for such nice people,” she said. “Together in sickness, but alone in the world.”
 
 
 
 
 
 
87- A Missing Cat 
 
The owner of a missing cat is asking for help. “My baby has been missing for over a month now, and I want him back so badly,” said Mrs. Brown, a 56-year-old woman. Mrs. Brown lives by herself in a trailer park near Clovis. She said that Clyde, her 7-year-old cat, didn’t come home for dinner more than a month ago. The next morning he didn’t appear for breakfast either. After Clyde missed an extra-special lunch, she called the police.
When the policeman asked her to describe Clyde, she told him that Clyde had beautiful green eyes, had all his teeth but was missing half of his left ear, and was seven years old and completely white. She then told the officer that Clyde was about a foot high.
A bell went off. “Is Clyde your child or your pet?” the officer suspiciously asked. “Well, he’s my cat, of course,” Mrs. Brown replied. “Lady, you’re supposed to report missing PERSONS, not missing CATS,” said the irritated policeman. “Well, who can I report this to?” she asked. “You can’t. You have to ask around your neighborhood or put up flyers,” replied the officer.
Mrs. Brown figured that a billboard would work a lot better than an 8”x11” piece of paper on a telephone pole. There was an empty billboard at the end of her street just off the interstate highway. The billboard had a phone number on it. She called that number, and they told her they could blow up a picture of Clyde (from Mrs. Brown’s family album) and put it on the billboard for all to see.
“But how can people see it when they whiz by on the interstate?” she asked. “Oh, don’t worry, ma’am, they only whiz by between 2 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. The rest of the day, the interstate is so full of commuters that no one moves.” They told her it would cost only $3,000 a month. So she took most of the money out of her savings account and rented the billboard for a month.
The month has passed, but Clyde has not appeared. Because she has almost no money in savings, Mrs. Brown called the local newspaper to see if anyone could help her rent the billboard for just one more month. She is waiting but, so far, no one has stepped forward.
 
 
 
 
88- A Life-Saving Cow
 
Six consecutive days of spring rain had created a raging river running by Nancy Brown’s farm. As she tried to herd her cows to higher ground, she slipped and hit her head on a fallen tree trunk. The fall knocked her out for a moment or two. When she came to, Lizzie, one of her oldest and favorite cows, was licking her face. The water was rising. Nancy got up and began walking slowly with Lizzie. The water was now waist high. Nancy’s pace got slower and slower. Finally, all she could do was to throw her arm around Lizzie’s neck and try to hang on. About 20 minutes later, Lizzie managed to successfully pull herself and Nancy out of the raging water and onto a bit of high land, a small island now in the middle of acres of white water.
Even though it was about noon, the sky was so dark and the rain and lightning so bad that it took rescuers another two hours to discover Nancy. A helicopter lowered a paramedic, who attached Nancy to a life-support hoist. They raised her into the helicopter and took her to the school gym, where the Red Cross had set up an emergency shelter.
When the flood subsided two days later, Nancy immediately went back to the “island.” Lizzie was gone. She was one of 19 cows that Nancy lost. “I owe my life to her,” said Nancy sobbingly.
 
 
 
 
 
89- A Festival of Books 
 
People joke that no one in Los Angeles reads; everyone watches TV, rents videos, or goes to the movies. The most popular reading material is comic books, movie magazines, and TV guides. City libraries have only 10 percent of the traffic that car washes have. But how do you explain this? An annual book festival in west Los Angeles is “sold out” year after year. People wait half an hour for a parking space to become available.
This outdoor festival, sponsored by a newspaper, occurs every April for one weekend. This year’s attendance was estimated at 70,000 on Saturday and 75,000 on Sunday. The festival featured 280 exhibitors. There were about 90 talks given by authors, with an audience question-and-answer period following each talk. Autograph seekers sought out more than 150 authors. A food court sold all kinds of popular and ethnic foods, from American hamburgers to Hawaiian shave ice drinks. Except for a $7 parking fee, the festival was free. Even so, some people avoided the food court prices by sneaking in their own sandwiches and drinks.
People came from all over California. One couple drove down from San Francisco. “This is our sixth year here now. We love it,” said the husband. “It’s just fantastic to be in the great outdoors, to be among so many books and authors, and to get some very good deals, too.”
The idea for the festival occurred years ago, but nobody knew if it would succeed. Although book festivals were already popular in other US cities, would Los Angeles residents embrace one? “Angelenos are very unpredictable,” said one of the festival founders.
 
 
 
 
 
90-$100 Deposit
 
The well-dressed, gray-haired woman was crying her eyes out. She had just been fined $100 by the judge because a month ago her dog made a mess on the front lawn of the courthouse.
“I just got out of the cab and I leashed Poopsie to the light pole. After I paid the fare and gave the driver a dollar tip, I turned around and saw that Poopsie had made a mess. I didn’t have any plastic bags, so I said, ‘Well, Poopsie, let’s go home. There’s nothing I can do about this now.’
“We were just starting home when I heard this voice out of nowhere: ‘Excuse me, ma’am. Is that your dog?’ I turned around. It was an officer of the law. Well, of course, it was my dog. ‘That dog just made an illegal deposit on the courthouse lawn. As its owner, it’s your responsibility to dispose of that deposit. See the sign over there? I’m going to have to write you a citation.’
“I asked him what sign he was talking about. He pointed all the way down to the end of the block. One little sign, a block away! How could anyone see that? I couldn’t see that sign with my best opera glasses. The officer said that I could fight the ticket. He said the judge was a nice old man who owned four dogs. So I said, ‘OK, thank you, I’ll fight the ticket.’
“So when I went to court, I dressed Poopsie up in his prettiest ribbons and made extra sure he did his business first. We were both so excited. I just knew the judge and Poopsie would hit it off.
“But do you know what happened when we got inside? They had a different judge, a judge who is allergic to dogs, and he immediately started sniffling, coughing, sneezing, and looking around. And then he yelled at me to get the dog out of the courtroom. He fined me $100 on the way out without even giving me a chance to talk about Poopsie’s chronic dyspepsia. It was terrible! I’m still upset.”